I’m sitting on the bus in a foreign country on a journey which should take two hours. I’ve currently been on the bus for three hours, in a traffic jam, with no rest in sight. And I really need the toilet. Naturally, I want to take my mind off of everything, and since looking at naked women in public is frowned upon, I’ve decided to think about video games instead. Specifically, some games where characters travel plans went horribly wrong. Because when’s one’s feeling sad, it always helps to remember that there are those suckers who are worse off than you. I love me some empathy. Note: the list is not in a ranked order, because most of these losers have it pretty bad, and who are we to say if one character is more of a chump than another in these situations. That would just be cruel. You monster.

Number Five: Far Cry 4

Your mother died and she wishes you to cremate her. That’s fair enough. Ajay Ghale’s mother loved her son so much that she wished for him to scatter her ashes in a dangerous, war-torn country in the Far East, with total dickheads who run both sides in the civil war, because that’s what mothers who love their children do. But it should be easy; just a plane ride then a short bus ride across the continent. The only thing that could go wrong would be if you ended up in the middle of said civil war. Oh wait, that’s exactly what happens. Ajay’s interrupted bus ride leads to him dining with Pagan Min, which leads to him joining the Golden Path, which eventually leads to him overthrowing Pagan and replacing him with a bigger cunt than Pagan ever was. Thanks, Mom.

Number Four: Uncharted 2

I haven’t ever played the Uncharted series, as I’ve never owned a Sony system. What I have done is watch so many YouTube videos that I know basic plots and levels for most games, meaning that I don’t actually bother playing games anymore. And if YouTube told me one thing, it’s that what happens to Snake Drake at the start of Uncharted 2 is not supposed to happen. When you’re a treasure hunter sitting on a train with blood gushing from your torso is never a good thing. Especially if the train is dangling off the edge of a cliff. Still, at least his journey is more exciting than mine.

Number Three: Rune Factory 4

Rune Factory 4 is a bit of a strange game; a mix of hack and slash RPGs and Harvest Moon. It also seems a bit pedophilic, as you can marry young women who appear to be around 12 years old. One of them also has butterfly wings, which is a bit too close to furry for my taste. In the real world, you could be arrested for all of this. Maybe people should be arrested for doing it in Rune Factory as well, but that’s beside the point. The game opens with you on an airship, delivering an important Rune Sphere to an elemental dragon. Your ships get invaded, you lose the sphere, acquire amnesia and fall off to the ground bellow. This, in turn, results in you becoming a prince(ss). Now, this doesn’t seem too bad it results in you becoming the owner of the farm and prince of a kingdom in the game which will eat up your life. Seriously don’t play this game or you will want to come back. And if you do, there’d be a strong chance that you would be a pedophile. A furry pedophile.

Number 2: Assassin’s Creed 4: Black Flag

Pirates are just an honest bunch, working hard to make a living for themselves and the ones they love. For some reason, they have a reputation as rapists and pillagers, which is wholly undeserved. All pirates want is a little booty, and I can identify with that. So it’s unfair that Edward Kenway, a simple and placid man, is attacked by a merchant ship on his way to make some money. The attack, which is definitely not caused by the pirates and is in no way the fault of the pirates, occurs at the start of Assassin’s Creed 4 (a series which is a metaphor for bad journeys in itself, getting poorer as time goes on). In fact, many of the events of Ass Creed 4 happen due to this attack, as Kenway is washed up on shore with an assassin who Kenway steals the identity of. I’m not too sure of the events of Assassin’s Creed 4, as I drink grog whilst I play pirate games, but being shipwrecked seems a bit shit and not something I’d like to go through.

Number One: Fallout: New Vegas

I’m gonna have to guess here because I’ve got no real experience of being shot in the head, but it seems like a mildly unpleasant thing to happen. And happen it does to the playable character (or courier) of Fallout: New Vegas. Now, when Ol’ Harvey (the name of my decrepit demolition expert from FNV) signed on to be a courier, he certainly didn’t sign on to be shot in the head. He signed on for the dental plan. He also didn’t sign on to fight Deathclaws, explore creepy vaults or get blown up by his own dynamite. All of which happened frequently because Chandler Bing decided to go and shoot me

Fuck you Chandler Bing. Fuck you.

About The Author

Sam Myerson

Samuel comes from frozen north of England, but is still remarkably tanned. Some say this is because of the extensive travelling. Samuel thinks it’s because he’s the Messiah