It recently occurred to me that Skyrim has such a vast collection of weird creatures, what would we even call them if they had no official names? So I took it in my stride to try to accurately name all of Skyrim’s odd creatures.

Blubbery Floppy Land Whale

These fat things always get in my way while I am travelling, like I have no idea how they even move, they somehow hop their ass around magically?

Spikey Spitting Ant

These are so annoying, like did I want to be poisoned and sacrificed to your little ant gods, no!?

SHIT RUN SHIT RUN SHIT RUN

When did Diego from Ice Age get so ripped, oh man I’m almost out of stamina he’s going to rip me to shreds!

Flying Ice Centipede

Did Elsa get all emo and create this abomination, it’s so bloody fast I can’t hit it, oh god now I’m a Popsicle…

Bloody Flying Sewer Rats

Look man all I want to do is loot this chest, go back to stealing cheese from mousetraps.

Abominable Death-man

You know I’m just slaying some ice wolfs then- OH SHIT MY GOD I’M SORRY GO BACK TO CHEWING ON BONES OR SOMETHING!

Those things you pretend don’t exist

Mudcrab shaming is not okay, some mudcrabs spend years of their life waiting for a formidable enemy to wander onto their tiny beach or island, they feel the rush of battle approaching only to find the lost adventurer wanders right on past or steps over them, leaving them questioning the existence of their life, being the weakest aggressive creature on Skyrim is not easy, make a mudcrabs day today murder them with honor.

Dragon

It’s just a dragon, no fun name here, but you know what’s not fun?

You know how you’re the dragon born and how you can speak their language, what if the whole time they are trying to talk to you they are just trying to be polite and have a friendly conversation with you, and what do you do, OH JUST GO ON AND ABSORB HIS SOUL WHY DON’T YOU, next time you get in a fight with a dragon, remember dragons have feelings too!

Grunting Club Man