I have seen true horror, Team. A Horror that will haunt me for the rest of my days and defies any explanation. There simply aren’t words in any language to describe what I have seen, and if there were I would be hesitant to use them. It was so horrible that I’m terribly late with my article, but I will try to explain what I can for you, you deserve that much. I’m absolutely horrible at editing photos. In my head, I had the perfect idea of what I wanted to do, and for several days believe I just had to become familiar with some photo editing software. Three days later and I was staring at eldritch horrors that have left me mentally scarred. It just kept getting worse. Man was not meant to play God, but here I was trying to do just that. Finally, with what little sanity I had left I reached out to the Gamer Laughs Guys, and lo was it that a hero stepped forth. Our very own Liam. It is no exaggeration when I say that my very sanity, not to mention this article, would not have been possible without him. Truly, Liam, you are doing God’s work in allowing me to continue doing God’s work. Bless you. Oh, yeah, this week I’m taking three historical figures and explaining what video game genres I believe they would play.

Alexander The Great

What do you think of when you think of games like Starcraft, Warcraft, or Age of Empires? No doubt you first think of the level of micromanagement that it takes to be a competent player. Anyone who has played a Real Time Strategy game knows that the level of planning and ability to stay ahead of your opponent required are almost overwhelming at first. You have to develop your game winning strategy, set it in motion, fight off your enemies attempts to disrupt your plan, figure out what their plan is, have counter-measures for their plan, and finally bring it all to one wonderfully well-rehearsed culmination. Who else but the Conquerer of the Known World to pull off such a feat? As one of the most successful military commanders of all time, Alexander commanded one of the most advanced and well-disciplined  armies of his time, so it only makes sense he would take that natural talent for planning and command and make his home in the realm of real-time strategy.

Miyamoto Musashi

Some of you, Team, may be somewhat familiar with the legend that is Miyamoto Musashi. No doubt if you’re reading this article you have heard of him in various forms of media, but on the off chance you don’t here’s a crash course: Musashi was a bad-ass who used to use swords. That’s pretty much it. He made his living as traveling samurai, having killed his first man at the age of 13, but he wasn’t about to let a late start get him down. It’s reported that he had never lost a single duel, and would off work as an advisor and military strategist for many lords at the time, so what genre of game would appeal to possibly the greatest samurai of all time? If you’re thinking of the good old fashion Hack ‘N Slash, you’re wrong, dead wrong, and shame on you, the low hanging fruit is seldom the sweetest. Musashi would be a MOBA god. Think about, and you’ll realize the error of your ways. MOBAS award not only individual achievement and skill but also the ability to work and function as a team towards a common goal. This is the perfect way for a battle hardened akimbo warrior to relax after a long day of cutting down his enemies.

Atilla The Hun

Dark Souls. Nah, I’m just kidding. You’re probably kinda surprised, but Dark Souls doesn’t really seem like it belongs here, then again, it could be my recent trauma clouding my thoughts, but I’m not a doctor, so the hell do I know. No, Attila would be all over the Halo, Call of Duty, and Battlefield games. If it was fast paced and action oriented than you would most certainly soon find the enemy team filled with the clan tag “xX_GlDnHrDeMlG_Xx”. The speed of combat, the emphasis on constantly staying moving to get bigger killstreaks, and the overall brutal nature of the professional scene would just add more appeal. Screaming his battle cry over the mic, I have no doubt that Atilla would have no problem crushing poor noobs and getting top frags like most of us get rejected by women, and to make matters worse if he ever used trash talk that ended with the word “son” he wouldn’t be talking figuratively.