It must have been sixteen years ago by now. God that makes me feel old. When I was about ten years of age, I somehow got my greasy, little paws on a copy of Metal Gear Solid: Tactical Espionage Action for the original Playstation. Suddenly everything else in my life became meaningless. MGS had taken over my fragile and juvenile mind. Nothing could stand up to the marvel of MGS. It was like watching and playing the best James Bond movie ever made, one that wasn’t marred by Sean Connery’s insistent eyebrows, Roger Moore’s relentless cheese, Timothy Dalton’s just overall forgettable-ness, or Pierce Brosnan’s everything. The highly cerebral yet convoluted plotline eluded me until I replayed it at a later age, but that didn’t matter, I got the gist of it; Snakes don’t belong in Alaska.

Not three years later, the gracious lord Kojima passed down another gift from the heavens in the form of Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.  Hungrily, I placed the disc in my PS2, completely unprepared for what was to follow. The tanker mission flew by as I daydreamed about being wined and dined by none other than David Hayter himself. He takes me to a fancy restaurant in West Hollywood, I laugh at all his jokes, blush each time he points into distance and shouts, “A Hind D, what’s a Russian gunship doing here?” I was so caught up in my fantasy, I barely noticed the man answering to the codename Snake, suddenly did not at all sound like the Snake I knew, and loved, deeply. Campbell says, “we can’t use that codename anymore, from here on out you will be Raiden.” Then Raiden takes his mask off, and I nearly have a fucking aneurism. Who was this lanky, baby-faced farce? Where is Snake? I need Snake! I thought. Then Campell hits me with the heart attack, “Solid Snake is dead.” My ears started ringing, my vision blurred. I most likely passed out. It took some years, but I have now come to terms with MGS2 and have made the realisation that it is in fact sheer brilliance, sporting probably the finest story Kojima has ever penned.

Another three years down, another MGS title gently glides down from above. Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. I would be lying if I said I didn’t think it sounded like a gay porn film, set to the dreary backdrop of 90’s Berlin at the pinnacle of the cannibal fetishism craze. This time Big-Boss took the helm, and again, I couldn’t help but feel slightly cheated. Yes he looked and sounded exactly like his son/clone Solid Snake, but it just wasn’t the same. Nevertheless, it managed to take hold of me much like the first and had once again restored my will to life.  As an MGS game, 3 is arguably the best of all of them. The Virtuous mission is nothing short of arduous, but once you make it through, the gameplay to cut scene ratio seems to be just right, and has some of the best boss fights in the series.

Yet another three years later my short life as a gamer would reach its highlight. Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots. I don’t even know where to start. MGS4 just oozes fan-service and was instantly my favorite in the series.  Solid Snake reprises his role as lead, now much older, grisly and oh so creatively named Old Snake. The subtle and not so subtle nods to the previous titles never get old. The endless install screens, just staring at Snake, as he smokes, stood next to a flashing warning about how bad smoking is for your health, nothing short of genius. I know I probably say this a lot, (just you wait until I get to Bayonetta and Vanquish…) but if there were one game I would like to be buried with, it would be MGS4. Of course my headstone would then have to be covered in Deadly Premonition quotes, and I would have to hire a guy to stand next to my grave for an eternity, doing kung-fu in a Gene outfit, but I’m sure that’s doable.

Six years later, the unthinkable happened. An up and coming Swedish Dev team named, Moby Dick Studios, released a trailer that would melt the minds of everyone with the ability to see. The Phantom Pain. Within moments of it first airing, every MGS fan worth his salt recognized how this was obviously a new MGS title. Confusion reigned, as Kojima had previously stated that MGS4 would be the last in the series. Then interviews started popping up with one Joakim Mogren, a man covered in bandages, who was of course just Kojima in disguise, giving vague clues as to what the game actually was.

When it was finally officially revealed to be MGSV, a marketing campaign consisting of a barrage of sublime trailers directed and edited by Kojima followed suit. Trailers so good, they made most triple A Hollywood productions look like yet another Adam Sandler movie. I should have known then, there was no way MGSV could live up to the hype, especially after the news that David Hayter was to be replaced by Kiefer “What? My face looks like a scrotum that was used to put out a fire?” Sutherland.

Metal Gear Solid V, a game so big it needed to be released as two titles. MGSV: Ground Zeroes, a prelude if you will, and MGSV: The Phantom Pain.  Ground Zeroes is excellent, and in many ways better than the main game, as it at least feels like an MGS game. It actually has a few cut scenes and carries the tone of an MGS game well, even with Kiefer “I know I’m not half the actor my father is, now leave me the fuck alone!” Sutherland doing his absolute best to sound nothing at all like Snake. So much so, it took me a while to even realize it was Snake talking every time he did one of his lines. I mean dialogue. I’m not insinuating Kiefer “Will trade sexual favors for blow” Sutherland has a cocaine problem. I guess that’s my main issue with MGSV, it just doesn’t feel like I’m playing an MGS game. Sure it has the wacky/darkly serious storyline, and all trappings of an MGS game, it just feels like it’s missing something.

For one thing there is not nearly enough exposition, and what little there is, is hidden behind audio tapes no one will listen too. I’m playing MGS dammit; I want to be mostly watching endless codec conversations and gratuitous displays of emotion from the main cast, all the while wondering why Kojima doesn’t just make a movie instead. But I stuck with it, and gradually started enjoying myself. As the first act draws to a close it even felt like I was playing an MGS game again. Then the credits roll, and part of me wishes that actually was the ending, mostly because the second half of the game is a mess, that requires you to replay earlier missions on a higher difficulty, just to see the real ending. An ending so transparent you will have most likely guessed it within the first ten minutes of playing. The real final mission was cut from the main game, but can be viewed in its incomplete state online.

It sheds light on what could have been, should whatever happened at Konami to cost Kojima his job not have happened. MGSV left me feeling empty; unlike the ending to MGS4 that left me feeling satisfied and depleted, both physically and emotionally. The warm memories of which have cradled and rocked me to sleep for years. Now they have been replaced by haunting nightmares of Kiefer “Is this bit getting old yet?” Sutherland, eye patch, horn, phantom cigar, eternally droning out the same phrase in his dreary monotone, “Kept you waiting, huh?”

I met Kojima, shook his hand, and even though he rebuffed my advances, I’m adamant we will one day be living together in a house in the Hills, David Hayter will read bedtime stories to our adopted children and Kiefer, fucking, Sutherland will be stood outside, leering through the window, the pouring rain barely masking the tears streaming down his puffy cheeks.

Just for the record, I’m not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

7/10

Benjamin Porter

Did you see that Zach? Clear as a crisp spring morning. F K… In the coffee.” I mumble to myself, blow into my mug and sigh.