Before we begin, Team, we have some house keeping to take care of. First, if you are in fact going to make effigies to me comprised entirely out of deli meats, do NOT use bologna. While I do appreciate all efforts, if you’re going to do something do it right. Second first, my favorite fruits are strawberries and watermelon, but oranges will make an acceptable offering. As much as I am glad that many of you willingly send your daughters to me, I’m afraid that puts us in legal territory I’d much rather not deal with. So, with all that being said, let’s talk about games, yes?

I have long said that I would meet my demise in prison from either rectal trauma or a vicious stabbing in the cafeteria. This is something I know in my heart will come to pass, and I feel rather soon, and I can only hope that I’m sent away for something cool, and not something lame like tax fraud…or shoplifting. Fortunately though, a third option has been presented to us. Assault. Now, I’m not saying that I’m going to physically attack someone, no, I’m saying that I could be sued simply for partaking in the Game Journalism field. I can feel the confused looks on your faces, but believe me, My Team, this is very real. Jim Fucking Sterling, a person I enjoy very much, has finally been sued by long time rival Digital Homicide for “assault, libel, and slander”. Yes, I kid you not, they said “assault”.

So, how is it exactly that Ole Jamesy Boy managed to assault Digital Homicide? As much as I love the guy I’d be a lot more intimidated of a roll of uncooked biscuit dough than I would seeing him in an alley, and let’s be real, for the most part we gamers are kinda non-confrontational. Sure, some of us aren’t allowed within 200 yards of certain houses in certain states of a certain union of states because certain people didn’t think that aforementioned certain person would take time off their job to fly down and take them up on a certain “1v1 IRL” challenge, but for the most part, we just talk a lot of trash and go on about our day. So where is the assault? From his fans, apparently. Jimmy must be taking pages out of Insane Clown Posses’ book, because Digital Homicide is suing him for harassment caused not by him, but by his fans. Either this is the most ignorant thing I’ve heard today, or I’ve secretly been indoctrinated into the second coming of the Manson Family and had no idea.

A critic’s job is kind of self-explanatory: they are critical of other people’s work. If you’re going to sue one you may as well have someone sue you for developing a game that’s better than yours. The game developer made a better game, that actually lowers the amount of money you could make from a bad game, and while I’m thinking about it, I can’t develop games, so once you sue the better company I’ll sue you since I want to put out a game, but you elementary abilities would make my game look even worse, thereby limiting the amount of cash-flow I would see and everyone would be happy. Better studios would be recognized as better because they are sued, bad studios are recognized as not being the worse because they are sued, and those at the end can say that we participated. We’re the green ribbons, yay!

I guess I can’t be too critical (ah, ah, see what I did there) of the situation. I mean, if they win this Digital Homicide would give me another potential reason to be incarcerated that I can be proud of, much like solicitation, but now that I’m thinking of it…a critique of the critic…that has potential…