In all forms of art and entertainment, there is always one work that is viewed as ultimate, the best of the genre. Film has “Citizen Kane”. Literature has “ War and Peace”. Art has “The Mona Lisa”. But all of these pale in artistry when compared to the Magnum Opus of video games- Call of Duty.

Why is this? Well, looking at the Mona Lisa doesn’t teach us shit about life. But Call of Duty? Call of Duty is all you need to succeed. You don’t need school, university or internships. Hell, even take your kids out of kindergarten. They’ll learn much more useful things just by playing COD.

For example, the first thing I learnt from the series gives me the ability to skip queues, get given free drinks and spend one night in a jail cell (but rent free, so it wasn’t actually a bad thing). I am, of course, talking about raging.

I hear players over chat raging at something or other, and I thought to myself “they can’t be this annoying and self entitled for no reason, so maybe it’s good for them”.

Sure enough, when I raged at a Costa Coffee employee she sprayed me with mace gave me a free coffee. Just proves that being angry all the time is a good thing, and that I should never act emotionally stable again.

Now, these screams and shouts tend to come from young children in the age bracket of 9-12. But these young sages can teach us much more than just rage. Apparently multiple members of this group “get a lot of pussy”. One or two have even “fucked my mother”, a woman with exceedingly high values. What this can tell us is that pre-teens know how to get a lot of sex. I myself haven’t perfected the technique, but in the meanwhile I encourage you all to go out and speak in a loud, high pitched voice, using only simple English, to attract the opposite sex. You should be “swimming in bitches” in no time.

I never used to be good with women, and COD has sorted that out. I also used to struggle with the morality of hacking, but thanks to the illustrious games I can now say for certain that hacking is funny. All the time.

Afterall, what’s more amusing than going into a lobby which has been hacked so that you die every time you jump, or the enemy has unlimited harrier strikes? Judging by the attitude of the hacker, nothing. So, since hacking is just harmless fun why not do it all the time? Maybe even to organisations that need a good laugh such as global banks or the CIA. I can promise you, the result will be hilarious.

Speaking of hackers, I’ve learnt that nothing is ever my fault. If something goes wrong, it’s not your fault. It’s because everybody you ever encounter is a hacker.

Your friend gets a higher exam result than you? They’re a hacker. Your girlfriend beats you at monopoly? Hacker. Your little brother gets a trampoline for his birthday but you just get a potato? That’s actually because you’re a major disappointment to your family. But blame your brother for hacking and your parents will be more sympathetic and love you more.

In short, you don’t need higher education or a basic grasp of decency (and English) to succeed in life. Call of Duty is the only thing you need. You can learn how to get freebies or attract the opposite gender. It teaches you how to be entitled. And it teaches you how to have fun. And what more do you need from life than fun?

Alternatively, you could not follow this advice and have money and meaningful relationships. But that would make you a pussy. Don’t be a pussy, be awesome. And play Call of Duty.

About the Author

Samuel Myerson

Samuel comes from frozen north of England, but is still remarkably tanned. Some say this is because of the extensive travelling. Samuel thinks it’s because he’s the Messiah.