I have a confession to make team, it’s a confession I make almost daily, and I wear it with pride, like a rainbow is worn at a Gay Pride March. My Game Pride Rainbow is this: I’m awful at video games. I know, take a moment to collect yourselves. This is probably shocking for multiple reasons. Some of you may not want to believe that I’m bad at anything, but really, when your messiah lowers himself to the base level and humbles himself before you, all I’m really doing is showing that your blind idol worship is going to the right target. Some of you may be shocked that someone would actually take pride in the fact that they’re bad at games. I can do this for two reasons. One, I have testicles that I contract out to construction crews when their wrecking ball breaks, and two, I probably have a lot more fun being bad at a game than most people who are “good’

It’s true. Think back to when you first started a game. You don’t know the controls, you don’t know the mechanics, hell, you don’t even know how popular the game may or may not be. All you know is that you’re having fun. Now think back to when you had some experience under your belt. Maybe you got a really good ranking, maybe you finally learned the advanced combos, or maybe things just started to click.

Grinding reputation becomes a chore, team mates who can’t hold up their end are a source of rage, and the new player was handcrafted by Satan to punish you for your chronic masturbation.  The concerns of the good player are non-existent to a bad one. A bad player doesn’t care about his KDA, he just wants to look cool as he rushes headlong into enemy fire and maybe gets a kill or two. A bad player doesn’t worry about map control, he just bought an item that boosts his magic damage 400%, to hell with the fact that his character is a physical assassin.  A bad player embodies exactly what video games were originally meant to do, and that’s let the player have fun.

Players who lack skill in games are virtually immortal in terms of the internet. We know we’re bad, you can’t use that to insult us. What good players need to realize is that they need to cater to us, because ultimately we determine the outcome of your game. Oh, what’s that? The enemy is capturing a control point and I have an ability that could save the game? Think I’m just going to stand in spawn and blast 90’s sitcom theme songs over voice chat because some guy told me to kill myself because my score isn’t as high as his.

That’s right. Some people will tell you that to advance in a game you need to suck up to the “good” players so they will carry you and make up the difference your lack of skill creates. The hell with that I say! They should suck up to me. I went into the game knowing full well I’m bad and fully expecting to lose. If I don’t get at least one free skin gift for not dying 20 times in the first 5 minutes, thing aren’t going to go well. There is literally nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that you can do to a bad player. We’re untouchable, we’re outta your league, we’re the girl in middle school who had double D breasts when all the others were just hitting puberty.

If we’re being perfectly honest, it’s skill that ruins a game. It’s also good for the ego to be a bad player. If you have any level of skill you have to come to the realization that your deaths, your mistakes, are solely your fault. No one wants to admit that. As soon as you say to yourself “I’m not Rank 1 because of my own mistakes” you might as well follow that line up with “…I guess I’m never going to have sex that I don’t pay for”. Feels bad man. So why put yourself through that?

We baddies aren’t subject to the negative self-image succubus of skill. When you’re bad everyone seems like a hacker, or your computer only lags right before an epic play, or the guy who just killed you is a professional player who is smurfing. My personal favorite is calling a game dead. The name at the top of the leaderboard better be mine, otherwise that means that the game is dead and the only people playing it are hackers, the proverbial vultures of the gaming world come to pick the bones of what may have been at one time a great game ( I’m looking at you CSGO). Though, like the adorable and lovable nature of a puppy all things must end. Eventually you’ll learn the game, and by human nature you will improve and see that your adorable bad puppy skills have matured into 150 lbs of savage, man-flesh craving, primal, hunting machine, so what can you do about it?

You do nothing. Keep building your tank characters for DPS, keep using the revolver even though it is useless, keep dropping into the middle of the enemy team to get that perfect jumping 360 no-scope.

Now that you know more about the game you may actually stumble upon a sleeper tactic. Baddies aren’t the bane of the online game world, quite the opposite. We’re damn pioneers. We take the risks that the good players are afraid of, we test the boundaries of our beloved games meta, making new and fascinating discoveries and laying the groundwork for others to follow in our footsteps. When you’re a bad player, every game is Christmas, and you don’t want to be the guy who rages at a bad player and shits on Christmas, do you?

Are you a bad player or do you deliberately play bad in order to troll everyone else game? Let us know.