We live in a world where there are so many games available, whether they’re downloadable or physical, new or old, there’s always one thing that plagues them. They can be shit. Here are the top fifteen worst games I’ve ever played, and I wish I hadn’t.

America’s Top 10 Most Wanted (PS2)

Sure, beating up Osama Bin Laden sounds like a hell of a lot of fun. Knocking out Sadam sounds like a laugh too, but this is the complete opposite. America’s Top 10 Most Wanted, or Fugitive Hunter: War on Terror is a sad blend of first-person shooter, beat ’em up and straight up trash. None of the games elements work well and it all feels jumbled together and shoved into a suitcase that’s about three dimensions too small. The plot doesn’t make any sense and with the awkward and unexplainable control scheme Fugitive Hunter makes for the buttery biscuit base of this shitty mud-pie.

Ride to Hell: Retribution (PS3)

Scoring a 13 out of 100 on Metacritic is one hell of a feat for a big budget game released so recently. Ride to Hell does everything wrong. It’s buggy, it’s blocky, it’s awkward to control and it’s story was written by coma patients. This game wasn’t quite as bad as everyone made out but my god it was still horrible and I’m being generous putting it 14th on this list. You can read my full review of Ride to Hell: Retribution here.

NeverDead (PS3)

Another example of a big budget failure, NeverDead died before it was even released. The mechanics include unattaching your limbs and hurling them at your enemies, and this just makes for bad gameplay and undesirable sudden limb detachments. Combine that with a glitchy shitstorm and you have this game. You can read my full review of NeverDead here.

WWE Smackdown Vs Raw 2009 (Wii)

I really hope they sacked whoever’s idea it was to bring wrestling to the Wii. I have never felt like more of an idiot in my life, and that’s REALLY saying something. Flailing my arms around with a Wiimote in one hand and a nunchuck in the other, trying to understand just one of the many controls to this game not only wore me out but made me look like a baby slamming its cutlery against it’s high chair impatiently awaiting it’s din-dins. This shouldn’t have been a port. End of.

SimAnimals (Wii)

Look, I like the Nintendo Wii, but some of it’s games are bloody abysmal. I picked up SimAnimals as part of a console bundle, if it had been the only Wii game I’d ever played I would have broken my console along with the window that it was hurled out of. In SimAnimals you take on the role of undisclosed strange forest inhabitant in an attempt to win nature’s heart by charming the animals and then putting them in your rucksack, without food until a later date. Not only a case for this list but a case for PETA too.

Godai: Elemental Force (PS2)

The lowest critically rated PS2 game on Metacritic. I wasn’t aware of that upon purchase but after the first time I played this game I just had to find out. I don’t even know where to start with Godai, it’s awful graphics (came put the same year as Vice City & Morrowind), its horrific combat system or its laughable attempt at depth. This game’s only redeeming factor is it’s unique gliding mechanic, making it smooth and swift to get from place to place, its just a shame you don’t want to get to that place, ever. Go Die Godai.

Hype: The Time Quest (PS2)

Hear Ye, Hear Ye! Who knew a video game based around Playmobil could be so god damn awful? Hype puts you in the armored boots of an enchanted statue, raised by a wizard to fight the forces of evil. Everything about this game stinks, and the way your character moves around is almost as funny as that YouTube video with the goat climbing up the ladder.

Deadly Strike (PS2)

I wish that I could use another word for this, but I swear every game on this list is so clunky! The PS2 has a massive library full of amazing titles, but deadly strike is not one of them. It’s not online but it lags! It looks like I sharted the graphics and the combat is questionable at best. At worst it’s fucking horrible. You can read my full review of Deadly Strike here.

Smarties Meltdown (PS2)

The very first game I reviewed was Smarties: Meltdown. I bought this game knowing it would be awful. I didn’t know it would be this awful. Terrible camera angles always make for shit platforming, and shit platforming tends to be a sign that the shooting is not going to be that great either. They should never have even considered making food games, Cooking Mama is the only exception. You can read my full review of Smarties: Meltdown here.

Circus Maximus: Chariot Wars (PS2)

Don’t ask. The truth is that I organised the PS2 games by price online and this one was about 20p, which is a recurring theme in this list – I don’t learn. Circus Maximus is an… ‘arcade racer’. That hurt. Its a combat racing game with chariots. I really had to swing low to play a game like this, and thinking about it now i’d much rather have just had a Freddo bar than played this piece of shit.

Fightbox (PS2)

I get it, you get what you pay for, but I’m cheap. Fightbox is quite possibly the worst time I’ve ever had playing a video game. The games beyond here are so bad that it’s quite funny. Fightbox is just bad. Bad, bland and apparently based on a BBC program of the same name. I’ve never heard of it and I believe that’s with good reason. Fightbox never explains itself, not even in the game’s manual, so i’m left button mashing my way to the exit button every time.

Ninjabread Man (Wii)

If you thought DDI games was going to be absent from this list then you’re braindead. Ninjabread Man (Urgh, that name pains me) is terrible. The controls are so unresponsive that you might as well be playing in another room with your trousers down having a shit. The combat sucks, the camera sucks, the plot.. oh wait there is no plot! You can read my full review of Ninjabread Man here.

Paddington Bear (PS2)

I swear the further down this list we go the more angry I get at even just the thought of number one. Here we are at number three though, at a game which shouldn’t exist. f you’ve all done your service to humanity there should only be one copy of this game left, and it should be the one in my possession. If i ever take hostages I’ll be sorted for torture methods with all this dump. One of the shortest games ever, and the close to the most infuriating, this title makes you want to asphyxiate P-Bear and anyone who’s ever played the game, including yourself. You can read my full review of Paddington Bear here.

Dragon Rage (PS2)

I wish I could say it was close between this and number one, but theres no competition for the top spot. Make no mistake though, Dragon rage is very worthy of being this high up on the list. The 40 minute unskippable repetitive tutorial is one of the worst hours of my life. The game evolves afterwards into more of the same and its all just terrible. Even gorging on orcs and cows doesn’t save this heap of poop. You can read my full review of Dragon rage here.

Habitrail: Hamsterball (PS2)

The holy fucking grail of terrible games. Thanks Stewart! No matter how much I complain I can not give this game justice. Hamsterball ruined my life, and it will ruin yours if you play it too. This game has made me openly weep, and even pour my heart out to random strangers. Do yourself a favour and quit while you’re ahead with this one. It’s not funny, it’s not cute, it’s not anything other than awful and life-ending. I’d have more fun killing myself. You can read my full review of Habitrail: Hamsterball here.

Sam Marshall

Sam Marshall delves deeper into the darkest depths than any man who dared to tread before him. Some people enjoy a little mind-crushing torture. He is one of them.