Dragon Rage Review (PS2)

Oh Spyro, Where Art Thou?

Ever wanted to be a dragon and soar across beautiful landscapes, bursting your enemies into flames and using magical dragon powers? So have I, what a great familiar concept. Play any of the Spyro games and you will get that experience, play Dragon Rage and – where do I start…

Dragon rage might possibly be the worst game I have ever played, and I’ve played some absolute crap. It’s hard to believe that I had more fun playing Paddington Bear and Smarties: Meltdown than I had playing this crock of shit. I mourn the loss of the time I used to play this game, and I’m glad that I never have to ever again.

Dragon rage is graphically horrifying, and not in an ‘Oh no! There’s a big scary dragon!’ kind of way either. The games main features include popping textures, unimaginable character models and blocky cutscenes. Despite this we have seen many graphically challenged games still turn out to be classics and works of horribly rendered art. You would think a game that looks like this would have some fantastic gameplay to make up for it.

The cutscenes are also ridden with terrible voice acting, which seems to lag somehow, stretching the never-ending story on until you either give up or collapse from sleep depravation. Unfortunately the graphics are only the unpleasing outer layer to a rotting, god-awful core. The controls are slow and unresponsive, so much that simply turning 90 degrees takes an age. I like to imagine they deemed this ‘The 1 degree per second’ mechanic – just imagine doing a 360.

I didn’t have to imagine, and no amount of magic gems was going to help me become immersed and invested in this underdeveloped game. It got worse, as the game really ‘got going’, as I spent the next 40 minutes of my precious life in an unskippable, repetitive tutorial. You also can’t save your progress during a mission, so I had to sit through it in its inescapable entirety whilst trying not to burst into tears and go on a murderous rampage at the 3DO company responsible for creating this madness-inducing ~~video game~~ steaming poop.

The tutorial taught me of my magical powers, fuelled by gems and the edible corpses of cows and pigs. Feasting on my enemies was this games one redeeming factor, although it was too little too late. My magical powers consisted of breathing fire, and shooting a fireball – everyday norms for a dragon. I could also use water to reflect the catapult fire from the orcs below, which was a shame considering how much I wanted to just die and end this torment.

Further along, after the tutorial the game became more of the same. Each level pitted me against an army of orcs in a poorly rendered city, burning down the life bar of the population until everyone was dead. This happened over, and over, and over, and over, and over. There is nothing that would make me play this game again. I’ve seen too much for one lifetime. I’ve played too much for three.

Overall, dragon rage lacks replayability almost as much as it lacks playability. This is a disc I will only unbox to snap in my very own dragon rage. Do yourself a favour and play Spyro – it’s fantastic and a damn sight better than any other Dragon game, unless you liked Lair, but I’m doubtful.