This is a public safety announcement from:

Christmas has just passed us. The family has gathered and dispersed, the food has been prepared and eaten, and the regret has sunk in; but most of all, the gifts have been unwrapped and the obligatory family time has ended. This can only mean one thing; the Christmas consoles and games can be used. This is a gaming PSA, be on the lookout for…Noobitis.

What does this mean? How does it affect me?

Well at this point, servers will be flooded with Newbies trying to take on the game by themselves, trying to catch up with seasoned professionals and semi-competent amateurs. But worst of all they will be figuring out button configurations, any with a mic attached will occasionally let the warning siren sound…”Oops”…which translates to “I just dropped a grenade somewhere, run!”.

What are the symptoms?

Symptoms can manifest themselves in several forms. Please be on the lookout for the following:

• Running repeatedly into walls
• Seemingly random grenade throws
• Violently spinning enough to make the most hardened pilot vomit
• Immediately running for a vehicle before the appearance of fire/smoke as said vehicle explodes a few feet from the starting point
• Panicked teamkills as they hide in a corner
• Misuse of important or rare ordinance
• [In sports games] Unexplainable errors leading to points against your team, and more…

What should I do if I come into contact with a Noob?

It is important that you immediately let those around you know so that a quarantine zone can be established, as idiocy is infectious. Once at a safe distance, try to establish communication to keep the individual calm as panic can often worsen any symptoms. Don’t make a quick judgment, some Noobs can be saved and are useful to a team; observe the individual to determine the threat level. Finally comfort those around you, some of the scenes created by a Noob can be upsetting for others. If you are worried about encountering a Noob, please take precautions, set up a safe landing zone for any controller throwing, warn others around you as the screams can be disturbing.

What should I do if I think I am a Noob?

Luckily these symptoms can be avoided or at least controlled. There are steps to take if you are worried that you might fall into this category:

• Play the f***ing tutorial
• Play some private matches first, practise makes perfect after all
• Familiarise yourself with your button configuration and any equipment you may be using
• If possible, play the campaign to become comfortable with your surroundings
• Warn others that you are new, many will be understanding

Even Noobs are people, so if you come across them please be respectful and understanding. The only current treatment is practice and time, but the symptoms will get better.

If you would like to help fund research for a cure please visit: www.INoobYouWereTroubleWhenYouWalkedIn.com

Do you know someone who has a case of Noobitis?