At the time of writing, pancake day is just around the corner and though I myself am much more of a waffle man I’m still easily charmed by the soft, syrupy chocolaty goodness that is an ideal pancake. But good food is often seen in video games and given as though the mere thought of tasty morsels gets me foaming at the mouth, when I start gaming I often have to have multiple snacks on hand in order to quell the hunger that is brought on by these visions of steaks, cakes and Sweetrolls. Because I’m a masochist I’ve decided to personally reflect on which games do food well, and share my musings with you dear reader.

Oh god, I feel the hunger pains already. Quick, pass the Jelly Tots!

Skyrim

In many games eating food restores your health, but sadly this skill doesn’t translate well into real life. Just ask seven year old me who found out that, contrary to what Pokemon would have you believe, berries do not relieve the pain of a (Chinese) burn. But I’m not terribly original with my thinking and if I do think about a fantasy RPG it’s either the Witcher 3 or Skyrim (Or Fire Emblem Awakening, but sadly it’s not relevant here). And though my heart will always lie with Geralt and his chiseled abdomen, the food from Skyrim is so much more iconic! Wheels of Cheese to shout off cliffs. Human flesh to devour in sacrilege. Sweet Rolls to steal. All of this has been done by most Skyrim players.

Perhaps the effects of the food on the Dragon Born and others are also iconic in itself. Skooma, though you can’t get addicted to it as you can in other ‘Scrolls games, still features prominently, and can be useful blackmail bargaining tool at times, much like drugs can in real life (remember that kids, it may come in useful). But not everything is realistic. Garlic Bread can apparently cure disease, whereas in real life it just gives me bad breath (though through cause and affect it may prevent STIs). Something called Apple Cabbage stew exists which I’m sure no person I’d like to meet would make in real life. And alcohol is a remedy merely for depleted stamina rather than stress, loneliness and crippling social anxiety.

Whatever happened to realism?

Minecraft

Any world where one can bake a pumpkin pie in about thirty seconds must be a good world indeed. In fact, technology in Minecraft is so far advanced that any food can be prepared in under a minute, provided one has the ingredients. Steak? About eight seconds. Fish? The same. Baked bread? Fuck off, you don’t even need to bake the bread first to eat it. I mean, you don’t have to in real life either but floury paste isn’t exactly appetising.

Mind you, there is definitely a downside to all of this. There aren’t many beverages available in the game. You have a choice of water (boring) or milk. And there aren’t exactly any refrigerators so good luck keeping it fresh! You could try drinking some interesting looking potions and though they are able to give you useful buffs most of them have to be brewed with a type of mushroom named “Netherwart”. This is a problem because (A) I don’t like mushrooms and (B) I really, really don’t like hot drinks.

That’s right, I’m British and I don’t drink tea. Come at me, I dare you!

Cooking Mama

It makes cooking look so easy, but when I tried to follow the examples set in the game I burnt my house down. Who knew that being good at videogames doesn’t translate into real world skills.

Roller Coaster Tycoon 3

I’m particularly very good at management games but I do enjoy dicking about in a good ol’ sandbox, which I can do quite happily in RCT3. And because I play in sandbox mode it means any prices I set for the use of rides or attractions are completely irrelevant because I don’t actually need the money. So, because I’m an incredibly lovely, handsome, altruistic and humble individual everything in “Five Flags Lancashire” (so named because it would be a Six Flags park but it’s located in Lancashire (North England for any Yanks/other foreigners)) is totally free! Including food!

That’s right. The peeps in my park weren’t charged a dime for their pizzas, burgers or funnel-cake. To be perfectly honest, this does sound like my idea of what heaven would be; Free food and roller coasters. But instead, I’m stuck here on the shitty old earthly realm instead of kicking it in the aether. Bummer dude.

Crusader Kings 2

Not so much awesome for everyone else as it is for me. You see, food is great tool in CK2. You can throw banquets to increase your stature. You can use it to poison your pesky legitimate children in order for your preferred bastard child to rise to the throne. It’s even quite realistic, because eating too much of it will make you fat. And if you’re fat, people will dislike you, your dukes will revolt, you’ll lose half the kingdom, you’ll become depressed, your wife will leave you and you’ll die of grief. All because you refused to go on a diet. Fat-ass.

So there you go. These were just some games where food was done rather well. In some cases the ways food can be used may seem fantastical or unrealistic. In others, not so is the case. But what we can all agree on is that Nachos are extraordinarily tasty. Now, if you excuse me I have a dinner date to get to. Farewell!