I Don’t Deserve This

Every decision you make in life has many possible outcomes that are either good or bad. For instance, by eating a piece of cake you can be rewarded with a delicious taste of moist perfection, or you can be punished by putting on weight, becoming addicted to sugar and having your wife leave you because you have “serious issues”. And gaming is no exception to this rule of life. In the market, there are many games which punish you not just for the decisions you make in them, but for utilising some of their best mechanics or even playing them. And I’m calling out these games today.

One game which immediately springs to mind for the douche-bag action of punishing you for utilising it’s best mechanics is Dishonoured (I’m going to spell it the British way seeing as though the characters speak with British accents anyway). There are two ways to play Dishonoured; one can be lethal and use your various weapons and powers to perform awesome executions and assassinations. Or one can be boring and try to non-lethally choke enemies to death and flee from combat rather than fight. The issue with the second way is that it’s (A) more boring than your aunties account of her latest cruise and (B) more of a fucking chore than hand washing the strange stains off your parents underwear. Now, all of this wouldn’t be a problem if it weren’t for the fact that you can only achieve the best ending by being stealthy and non-lethal, i.e. boring. They may mask the endings as “chaotic” and “non-chaotic”, but if you don’t want to feel like a massive cunt at the end of the game you have to be non-lethal. It very much feels like I’m being punished for wanting to use the most enjoyable mechanics of the game. And that, I feel, if absolute bullshit.

The reason I’m ripping into Dishonoured for punishing us with good and bad endings instead of say, Mass Effect 2 (I could say Mass Effect 3 but all endings from that game are terrible (easy joke is easy)), is because Dishonoured punishes us for playing a game in a certain style, where as Mass Effect 2’s bad ending is caused more by decisions you make in dialogue. Whether or not you get the good ending or the bad ending(s), you’re still going to be pumping alien insect things with more lead than old-school pencils. There is no change to the gameplay. To get a “good” ending in Dishonoured the whole gameplay is changed, and it’s not for the better. So stop fucking with me Dishonoured! You gave me knives and pistols and shit, let me use them!

When I think of games punishing us for the way we play, I also think of games that punish or just mock us for playing in an easier mode. In a past article written by myself which you should check out because I’m absolutely fucking awesome, I mentioned how I enjoy playing games on easy mode so I can focus more on story and feeling good about myself. And I resent or even steer clear of some games because they mercilessly take the piss if you do this. For example, I play games from the “Civilization” franchise in easy mode because it makes me feel like a Grand-Master strategist who can out-maneuver his enemies easier than the popular kids at school did to me. I don’t want to be mocked by being called “Dan Quayle”or “Ethelred the Unready” or any other failed political leader. I bought the game with my parent’s own money, and I can play it however I bloody feel like! Again, I’m not making a choice that should deserve a “bad” ending (like being a general asshole in Fallout 3), I’m just playing the game for fun, not a challenge. If I wanted a challenge I would play “Dark Souls”. Or try to explain to my father how to play Halo (spoiler alert: he can’t do it).

But the steady hand of retribution does not need to strike merely for how we play a game. It can cut us down simply for playing a game. Some games are pre-ordained from the heavens to punish us. Probably by sucking absolute ass. For instance, anybody who was hyped for and pre-ordered “Assassin’s Creed: Unity” was immediately punished for this bold move by bugs, glitches and more mediocrity than the last four Harry Potter books.

Similarly, games can punish us by being difficult. I’m not talking about “Dark Souls”, which is known to assault your rear piping, but games that one acquired because they looked casual. “Really Big Sky”, a rather tricky arcade-space-shooter gamey thing slapped me in the face because the blurb made it sound like casual fun. But when you’re being surrounded by dinosaur fossils spitting fire with no way to escape it’s not fun or easy. It’s a punishment for jumping to conclusions, much like when you vote to leave the EU because it will stop immigration. You don’t know that, so don’t do something so dumb (yes, I am bitter, can you tell?).

Overall, most games want you to have fun, if not for your benefit then for theirs, as that way they can take all your money. It’s why EA is so hated but still a huge business, because they still make some cracking titles. I’m sure not all games intentionally strap you down and electrocute your elbows whilst playing One Direction, but it does happen (metaphorically). Punishment for story choices is to be expected, but for merely playing the game? I’m sorry, but that sounds like absolute bullshit. Off with the developers heads!