Catching Your Wife Playing With Toys Whilst You’re Not Around

I have always had a very obsessive personality, it has cost me several fortunes and has spanned across a whole plethora of different hobbies. When I was a young man-child I loved wrestling figures, I had hundreds of them purchased from Argos, Woolworth’s and a multitude of car boot sales. As I got older I developed new interests in things such as Magic The Gathering, Musical Instruments & Marijuana, but none has been as strong as my love for video games. My love for video games has always been there, sometimes obscured from view, but always somewhere in the vicinity. When I found out that Activision had blended toys with games I wept from the corner of my eye to the tip of my cock. Alas, Enter the Dragonfly.

I have read lots of peoples opinions on this particular franchise and a lot of them have been negative for one major reason. It’s not the Spyro game they wanted it to be. ‘Spyro deserves better’. In all honesty were any of the ‘Legend of Spyro’ games as good as or even true to the original trilogy? Didn’t think so. Regardless of such travesties Skylanders is NOT a Spyro game. If you view it as one you will be disappointed. At the time of release Skylanders was a brand new IP and a goddamn innovative one that hadn’t been explored before. We’re reviewing it as a Skylanders game and that’s just gonna have to be what it be.

I ended up with Skylanders: Sypro’s Adventure after deciding that I wanted one of the now-many peripheral based adventure games – I was very attracted to Disney Infinity’s Star Wars range but after a bit more in-depth research I decided that Skylanders would be a better long term investment – considering that the figurines can be used with any portal of power on any system with your personal character data imprinted on them and are all forwards compatible to other titles in the series. Buying the game in 2016 was also a great move because the figures are now cheap as chips, some are actually cheap-er than chips – but they don’t taste nearly as good.

There are 32 standard figurines for the first entry in the franchise and they all play drastically different from each other, and belong to different Skyland elements (Water, Life, Undead, Magic, Tech, Earth, Air & Fire). To access all of the secret areas and collect all the treasures you’ll need at least one of each type, and three are included with the game. You’ll also find hats in the levels, so if you’ve ever wanted to see Spyro sporting a party hat or a sombrero you won’t be able to miss out on this game. Each Skylander has it’s own challenge level and unique upgrades, some of which can only be obtained through accessing the secret areas – this can make certain characters extremely powerful once all possible upgrades are purchased, but also improve some of the weaker ones.

The game can host up to two players at once, and a look to be at it’s best with a partner in crime and a bottle of Jack. The game is evidently aimed at children, but features many dark themes and ‘in-jokes’ to those in the know, akin to the way that ‘The Simpsons’ will subtly nudge its older audiences with obtuse sexual and drug references. You can take the path of the story mode with a couch co-op buddy or take to battle mode to prove who’s the best (or just who plays it more). The battle mode is quite shallow but the story has a lot to offer and should take you a decent amount of time to complete.

The story is set in the Skylands, which are bright, colourful and full of happiness. That is, until the evil mastermind Kaos steals the sources to the elements of the world, plunging it into… well… chaos. One by one you will have to track down each power source and rebuild the world from scratch, battling Kaos and his many minions along the way, as well as encountering trolls, tanks and minefields as you traverse the beautiful landscapes. You are the portal master, and you’ll place your figurines upon your portal to animate them in-game and bring them to life. The voice acting in the game is fantastic and even features the voice of Joe from Family Guy, which is a huge treat.

The gameplay is very simplistic. The game is aimed at children so it did have to be fathomable and easy to get to grips with, but that doesn’t take away from the fun. Each character has a series of different light and heavy attacks as well as special moves and combos, it features puzzle elements as well as platforming and really excels at everything it tries. Each level has obviously had a lot of thought behind it and you will constantly encounter new enemies throughout the story mode. At times the game can feel similar to a run & gun shooter like Left 4 Dead, and at others it can feel like a run & hack & slasher parallel to Dynasty Warriors.

The game isn’t without its issues. The graphics are piss poor and let you believe they haven’t improved since the original Spyro classics. It can be too easy and there’s no difficulty setting. Some characters talk too much with their long rants of unskippable, irrelevant bullshit. There are times where you have no idea where to go or what to do or when you get stuck spawning all of your characters to their inevitable doom in the center of a minefield and have to shamefully restart a level of a so-called ‘kids game’. The peripherals were originally at least ten pounds per figure and with 36 of them it gets rather silly and greedy on Activisions part, especially considering the locked areas of the games to certain elements. I could go on and on about the cons of such a money-hungry franchise but the truth is that I can see past them. Skylanders: Spyro’s Adventure has opened my mind to a whole new genre of gaming, that lets me still play with the toys during a power cut. And with that we’ve come full circle. I’ve found a new obsession.

Conclusion

‘Skylanders is a game that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s aimed at kids but leaves a giant arse shaped indentation on the sofa from where the grown-ups have taken control. I will rule the Skylands, not some puny child!’