Let me just start by saying this in not a review, because our very own Mr. Corliss got in before me and wrote one already (read the review here), much to my chagrin. No this is an alternate take if you will. A piece about how and why I thought Until Dawn worked. Just a word of warning, I will be spoiling certain elements of the story, nothing major though. You have been warned.  Now, lets begin with another trip down memory lane. When I was ten, I not only got to play Metal Gear Solid, I also saw my very first video nasty, the recently unbanned and rereleased The Evil Dead, directed by Sam Raimi and starring B-movie legend Bruce Campbell. You could say the year 2000 was kind to me, in many ways it turned me into the man I am today. Of course the gore fascinated me, I was a young boy after all, but in reality I strolled out of the womb a reincarnated 40 year old, so it was the humor to be found in a group of friends trying their hardest and coming up short that really intrigued me.

I am in no way implying the movie comes up short, far from it. It’s just the level of campiness one achieves by not knowing how bad the script, or the actors skill level really are, turns what would otherwise be nothing but a bad movie, into comedy gold. This is why many modern horror movies fail, because the writers try to write the humor into the script, instead of letting it happen organically. You need an intricate knowledge of every horror cliché ever put to screen and a sharp sense of humor to pull that off. I’m not saying it can’t be done, look at Shaun of the Dead, but even that movie doesn’t quite capture the magic of The Evil Dead. After I saw that movie I made it my mission to see every campy horror movie I could get my hands on, and lets just say, I saw most worth seeing and a lot that weren’t. These days, all I need is my potent cocktail of weed, alcohol and pain pills to keep the night terrors at bay, while I rock myself back and forth, clutching my knees until I fall into a light and fitful slumber. LOL, JK, I do heroin.

So when Until Dawn came out I was riveted. It got good reviews, it looked great, but something was holding me back. It was the bad taste left in my mouth after playing Heavy Rain some years ago, that still stings like lemon juice being poured onto open wounds. It wasn’t until last Thursday, when I saw it was on sale, and I was conscious enough to do something about it that I finally made the plunge. I’ll just say this right off the bat, it was the most fun I had that night. Actually, I’m lying, that would have been the heroin. So why did I enjoy Until Dawn? Because on the surface of things it looks like yet another Josh Whedon/ J.J Abrams abortion, but surprisingly, that works in its favor. The tried and tested cliché of having a group of friends, each one a poster boy or girl for his or her respective archetype, getting picked off one by one, set to the lovely backdrop of a remote cabin somewhere deep in the woods has never been retold quite so faithfully in videogame format before. Though calling Until Dawn a game, is being generous.

Now, if any of the reviews I read, had told me in detail just how much of a dick you can be to everyone, I would have been down from the get go. Oh how easily you can stir up the emotions of all these hapless twenty something’s. The gay faced, barley black jock spies his new girlfriend, the smart Asian with chronic bitch face cavorting with her ex, the Abercrombie & Fitch model/bad boy, you better believe I’m going to bring that shit up every chance I get. I don’t care if one of them is hanging on the edge of certain death; I am pressing that bitch for answers.

“You fucked him didn’t you?” The gay faced jock will scream. She says she’s sorry.

“Please help me.” She pleads. A choice pops up, help her, or jump to safety. You decide.

Another thing every review failed to mention is that you spend most of the game cock-blocking all of the male cast members by making them as smooth as sandpaper. It’s almost a cock-blocking simulator. Mr. so called humorous, trying way too hard with his faux hawk, is finally alone with the girl he’s been lusting after for almost a decade, demonstrating his skills with a fire arm, you better believe that squirrel is getting his cute little brains splattered all over the snow. He bursts into laughter, launches his high five. She recoils in disgust, as nothing gets girls wetter than the slaughter of innocent little animals, and then gloating about it. DENIED! Aberzombie & Feltch model/bad boy is enjoying a romantic fire with the vacuous, blond, good time girl, when she finally opens up to reveal she is in fact deep and complicated, and not just some wall-eyed fuck doll he can stick his dick into, you better believe I am going to make him say, “Really? I thought you were a what-you-see-is-what-you-get, kinda girl.” Real smooth bro. The game then goes out of its way to undo anything she says on the matter, but is thankfully ripped through the window by her hair, before they get a chance to get busy. So, DENIED!

These are but a few examples, but rest assured, if you have even the slightest sociopath brewing inside of you, this game will let you finally fulfill all of your sick little needs. I’m not judging. I was erect for the full duration of the game. I even passed out a few times, due to all the blood rushing away from my head. Which brings me neatly to the Hayden Panetierre bath scene that they tantalized so much in all the marketing material. I won’t beat around the bush. It was terrible. First off she teases you with the idea of a bath for almost an hour before she even so much as dips one of her lovely toes in any soapy water. And secondly, the game hints at hidden cameras installed in the bathroom, yet they pass up every opportunity to show you even the smallest suggestion of skin. I guess Hayden has her standards, though they can’t be that high, I have seen Heroes. Boy, I’ve got a pair of shackles in my basement with her name on them, let me tell you. Some shackles, duct tape and a whole list of bizarre objects ready for insertion.

Lastly, Until Dawn, made my dream of directing a bad horror movie come true at last. When I saw all those movies as a young kid, all I could think was how easy they made it look. Just trick all your friends into thinking they are going away for the weekend, to some isolated cabin, far away from cellphone reception, or Starbucks lattes. Hire some buck-toothed, inbred local, give him a chainsaw and photos of all your friends, and tell him they gang raped his mother/sister. Capture all the carnage using hidden cameras, located in every room of the cabin and the woods surrounding the cabin. Edit the footage until you have some semblance of a plot, anything will do, you have seen Monsters. Sell it to some sick fucks on the deep web. Profit. Now, if only I had some friends.

Benjamin Porter

Did you see that Zach? Clear as a crisp spring morning. F K… In the coffee.” I mumble to myself, blow into my mug and sigh.