5. Having A Disease

Here we see a helpless victim wolfbitmytesticalitis

Have you ever attempted to turn into a werewolf in front of Skyrim guards? How about walking around as a vampire that doesn’t want to drink blood? Guards instantly attack these creatures simply trying to get by on sight. Imagine if we did this in our world, child cancer wards would somehow be even more forlorn.

4. Petty Thievery

10 seconds away from being beat the fuck up

I’m all for the impromptu removal of fingers from people who try to nick your coin purse, but demanding the head of someone who touches a shop keeper’s leek may be a little much. More so when you consider the fact that most grand theft is a sin that goes largely unpunished. Yeah stealing the possessions of someone’s ancestors is all well and good but you’ll be castrated and put in the iron mask if you so much as look at that potato with a lustful eye.

3. Being too Close to a Dead Body

You there with the only verifiable alibi, did you do this?!

Though it is usually you who left the mangled body of a helpless elderly person lying in the street, Skyrim guards will force you to pay a hefty fine and some jail time if you’re charged with talking sass too close a decaying body. However, this is still better police work than that of the OJ Simpson trial.

2. Accidentally Striking Someone While Defending A City

Don’t let the dragon distract you from the real criminal.

If in your adventures a dragon decides to attack a village, (which it will), you may find yourself in a situation that involves defense of the innocent. However, if one of these domesticated retards should find the need to walk in front of you mid swing, you’ll instantly earn the contempt of every living thing in a 10 mile radius. This wouldn’t be such a problem if the dragon wasn’t still shedding the blood of children, burning the saw mill, and turning Lydia into a well done steak for a cannibal. That’s your job and you’ve done it diligently since day one, who does this asshole think he (it?) is?

1. Poultry Assault

Hagel Vater Huhn!

There’s in no greater crime than this. For this sin there can be only blood. You shall play the price of eternal damnation to the realm of Oblivion and a public execution. Chickens are the most sacred creature of all, and by slaughtering them you have sealed your fate.