Oh EA, while the Star Wars franchise gives me quite the hard on too, it’s no excuse to whip out your cock and slap people in the face with it. If it were, I’d still be allowed to live within a mile of a school. EA now has nearly total control over the Star Wars franchise and their first major foray into the franchise was to make a huge disappointment.

While I will admit the game is worth buying if you’re a filthy fucking casual, anyone who plans on spending upwards of 15 hours in this game are going to be insanely disappointed. First off, the soundtrack. The original soundtrack makes an appearance here, and it’s great. It’s the EA additions that motivated me to turn off the music of the game rather than hear that shit ever again. While we’re on the subject of noise, how does a company as huge as EA let voice acting as atrocious as this games’ onto a disc?  I’d rather shove a mangy cat down my urethra than listen to whoever the hell had the audacity to fuck up Han Solo’s voice. The one exception to the shitty acting is Emperor Palpatine, who cackles wildly and sprints around shooting lightning out of his hands.

Come to the Dark Side, our voice actors aren’t complete shit.

This game’s Heroes are easily one of its worst features. They are either insanely overpowered,  (Boba Fett & Luke) or as worthless as your mother would be in a whore house (Princess Leia). God forbid you want to reenact the fight scene between father and son. The first person to strike will undoubtedly win as each hit makes the character flinch. This makes nearly impossible to strike back and almost always results in a loss.

There be Wampas in these here ice cavern

The game also has a disgustingly small amount of content. No single player other than some shittly put together tid-bits. Only 5 maps if you count battle of Jakku, a downloadable map. Only 2-3 game modes actually worth playing, no squads, and no voice chat. The unlocks are either over or underpowered. There is absolutely no balance. Rebels have no way to combat AT-ST’s, which pop up like genital warts on a hooker’s vagina. TIE fighters have no shields, making dogfights insanely one sided. The excuse for these design flaws are hidden under the thin veil of what is and isn’t canon. However let me ask you this EA, in what instance of Star Wars canon are female stormtroopers in the imperial ground force, and since when are they all allowed to roam around a battlefield with missing helmets? In my eyes this akin to someone at a family reunion in the deep south of the United States; no they won’t fuck their mother, but cousins are fair game.

Wait, where’s the DICE copyright Lens Flare?

What really pisses me off most about this game is its basically necessary $50 season pass. Oh real fucking moral high ground cutting out MicroTransactions, but maybe wait for people to agree with your bible before fucking the Altar Boys next time.The really disappointing thing about the game is it didn’t have to be this bad. If it weren’t for greed this game could’ve been amazing.The graphics really are incredible, blaster fire sounds and looks amazing. You get dirty or frosty as you run through the battle. I almost feel sorry for all the sweatshop laborers at DICE. I can’t rate the game on what isn’t there, but when there is little here I have to grade it onthat.

Closing Statement:

4.5/10- The one saving grace of this game is the level of immersion. You really do feel like a Rebel or an Imperial rushing a desperate battlefield. Other than that, the game is unimaginative, boring, and repetitive.