Or Cannis Canem Edit you dorks

Pre-Gameplay Review:

As a 13-year-old kid, Bully was my first foray into the wonderful world of Rockstar, and what better way to do it. Games like GTA and Red Dead would have been a) for the most part not released yet and b) using hindsight, those franchises would have gone way over my head. My past self wouldn’t have had nearly the same life experience of knowing what it’s like to steal cars, live in the wild west or punch a hooker in the throat as I do now. No, Bully was the perfect game to help shape my young, innocent mind.

I remember first booting it up and thinking hey, this kids at school… I’m at school! Immediately relatable, I could sense that a bond was beginning to grow. The next thing I remember thinking was So. Much. Freedom. I could do whatever I wanted in this game, go anywhere (including classes) and essentially be anyone. Of course, I stood up for all the nerds – not because I was in some way related to them in real life – but I remember thinking well this is just one way for me to tackle it, but also, I’m a bloody hero. All the locations were great, particularly around all the different areas and stereotypes at Bullworth Academy. The first time I left the school and discovered there was a whole town? Whoa buddy, lock up your daughters and hide your PG13+ films, there’s a new sheriff in town, and he’s got some homework to do.

Gameplay-wise, it was a treat. You could give kids wedgies, stick them in bins, even hide in lockers to avoid teachers and other undesirables. Plus, you got weapons AND a bike, something I was never allowed to have (come on, its only weapons dad). My fondest memory was going around and collecting every damn rubber band to make the coolest weapon ever, the rubber band ball. Keep in mind, this was without the help of the internet. Hell, I don’t even think the internet existed back in 2006.

Bully is one of those games that helped define me and shape me into the person I am today. A video game fanatic of course, not all the other Rockstar stuff. While I have fond memories of this game, I also know that I should be realistic about how it holds up a decade later. Screw that though, I know my old Bully is going to hold up like a fucking champ and probably still going to look better than my face looks now. So get ready world, cause Jake or James, or whatever the hell the main kids name is, is going back to school. After all, it’s a dog eat dog world out there (Canis Canem Edit means Dog Eat Dog, who knew, right?).

Predictions

Do you remember that time Santa Clause was supposed to come and give you a video game when you were 5, but his sleigh allegedly broke down somewhere over North Carolina, so he couldn’t make it to Australia till February 17th at the earliest? Then, on February 17th, you find out Santa isn’t real, your parents are getting a divorce and it’s all your fault because you kept badgering them about that video game? I sure remember that time. Why? Because that was how I ended up getting not one, but two copies of Bully, the greatest game of its’ generation. It’ll be hard playing this again without being able to think of not only all the good I was responsible for in my family, but also of the game itself and how it gave me the first memorable experience I’d ever had with a video game that didn’t start with me rescuing a professor from tall grass.

I’ll give you a tip now kids, badger your parents long enough and you’ll either get a great game, they’ll get divorced, or you’ll get lucky like me and get both. I’m one from one at the moment, so once I Parent Trap my folks back together, shouldn’t be to long until I have a sweet, sweet copy of Uncharted 4 heading my way.

*Parts of the above story may or may not be fabricated*

To be honest, I think Bully is going to hold up pretty well. Yeah it’s not going to look like GTA 5, or even GTA 4, but it’s going to be a hell of a lot better looking then GTA 3. I would have said the most noticeable thing will be the voice acting compared to todays games, but Rockstar always sat ahead of the curb so I’m not to concerned about that either. I think any of the shortcomings it has nowadays will be able to be redeemed by its’ story, gameplay, humour and unique setting. Seriously, it’s been 10 years and no one else has done a game set in a school (Persona doesn’t count cause you can’t give nerds Chinese burns, duh).

Thoughts During Gameplay

Oh shit, the kids name is Jimmy, that’s right

There is no way controls were always this fucking wonky right?

Boy, Hi Def TV’s really don’t do older games justice, unless you like things being blurry as hell

I FORGOT YOU COULD HUMILIATE BULLIES WHEN YOU BEAT THEIR PUNK ASSES!

Why can you only run in straight lines?

I wish I got a 75% health bonus when kissing girls when I went to art class

My god this game is fun

The map is both larger and smaller than I remember it… How is that possible???

So. Many. Mini games.

Oh man, graphics are getting noticeably worse the longer this game goes on.

I’m going to date all the girls, and they will be none the wiser

They got wiser. All of them. And now my virtual ballsack is paying the price

Review

A decade has passed, and while Bully hasn’t necessarily aged like a fine wine, it still holds up as a great game because of its’ unique ideas and relevent story. With that said, if there was any game that could do with a good reboot, it would be this one. Underneath the dated visuals and clunky controls is a cracker of a game that is still enjoyable to play ten years later.

First, let’s start with the highlights. This game is funny as shit. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to school, and this in no way depicts the sort of school I went to, but it is immediately relatable. In classic Rockstar fashion, everything is over the top and glorified, but you can easily see the truth hidden beneath the surface that all these jokes are based on. There haven’t been any other games that have ever done this in this setting before or since, so for that reason alone, you should play this game if you haven’t already. Despite being recently rereleased on PS4 this year, the game is still in desperate need of an update. People say size isn’t everything, but they all have small penises. My TV is freaking huge. That does not go well with a game from 2006. Anytime you walk outside, the world looks blurry, having the pixels stretched so thin I couldn’t see anything clearly that wasn’t more than a stone’s throw away. The resolution as well couldn’t even fit my screen properly, so all that’s with it already being scaled down. It’s a shame that this will hold a lot of people back from what is a great game, but remaking it would have the people flocking. If you build it, nerds will come Rockstar.

And it’s not just the nerds either. There are a whole bunch of different stereotypes in this game covering your jocks, preps, greasers, bullies and townies as well. The story revolves around taking over the school, which is delivered in a very mob film sort of way. The freedom in this game is still as grand as I thought it was, even if it was a bit more underwhelming at times then I remembered. When thinking back on the town, I imagined it being quite small. I was super wrong. It’s actually a pretty sizeable map you are free to explore. The flip side of this though is that almost nothing has  any detail. You are looking at blocks for buildings, cars, even people in some cases. Make sure you read the name of a shop before you go inside because there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell of you figuring out what they sell just by browsing around inside. These areas are littered with mini-games, collectables and missions for you to keep busy with, so it certainly isn’t the end of the world.

In the end, I think my memories of this game are pretty accurate. While not everything has aged well, enough of it has to make it worth your time, and the things that haven’t are never too distracting anyway. If you have played the game before and are revisiting it for nostalgic reasons like myself, or haven’t played any Rockstar games since GTA San Andreas, you will get the most out of this. If you have just played GTA 5 and you want more Rockstar, this, like Red Dead, is one of its more unique properties that sits on par with the rest of their work. Be warned however, it will be a jarring transition moving back and forth between those two titles, so be prepared for what you are in for.

7/10

Jonathan Ashcroft

Jonathan Ashcroft is a freelance games journalist who constantly seeks approval. By day, he’s a gamer. He also likes being mild mannered and gaming.